This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
