I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
