Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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