Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
