I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
the room spins SO much faster in panama
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
