I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
