hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
