made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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