The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
