apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
