once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
