Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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