yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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