just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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