YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My pussy is not your playground.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
