Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
