I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
