last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
