I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I don't deserve a penis
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
50% drunk capacity currently
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
