Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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