im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
