Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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