I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
