I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
