so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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