I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
