he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize