Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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