im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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