this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize