Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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