this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
