I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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