He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
