Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
