I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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