Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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