I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
