Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
