So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
