Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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