My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
