The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize