I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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