my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
