Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
