I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
