apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
