I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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