yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Are we still banned from the library?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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