sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
