Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
