Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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