Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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