I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
