That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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