If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
