Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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