Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize